SOME TIME AGO, noted research expert Daniel Starch asked a sizable sampling of people what were the most valuable guiding principles in living. Several hundred rules, principles, and maxims were submitted. Some stood out above all the rest:

1. Do unto others as you would that they should do unto you.
2. Know thyself.
3. Life is what you make it.
4. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
5. Anything that is worth doing at all is worth doing well.
6. The great essentials of happiness are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
7. Knowledge is power.
8. Be calm and self-possessed, know what you are about, be sure you are right, then go ahead and don't be afraid.

Few of us like to be told what to do. Being dictated to is usually resented. Certainly it is not the best way to get the cooperation of others. Most of us like to feel we're doing something because we want to, not because we have to.

Good leaders learn to suggest, not order. They will not command their people to do this or that except as a last resort. Instead, they phrase their instructions in terms of suggestions or questions. "You might want to consider this . . . . Do you think that would work? . . . What do you think of this idea? . . . Maybe if we tried it this way . . . "

Instructions put that way encourage people to think, as well as to cooperate. It invites them to contribute, challenges them to do good jobs, spurs their enthusiasm, and makes them feel an obligation to do their best.

Trust your hopes, not your fears.

"If I had to name the single characteristic shared by all the truly successful people I've met in my lifetime, I'd have to say it's the ability to create and nurture a network of contacts."

That's a quote from Harvey Mackay, chairman of Mackay Envelope Corporation, in his book about networking, Dig Your Well Before You're Thirsty (Currency/Doubleday). In his book, Mackay gets into the differences in the ways that men and women do their networking and tells a story about his wife, Carol Ann.

In the story, Mackay and his wife are seated in a crowded stadium watching a heated match at the U.S. Open Tennis Tournament. Twenty thousand spectators are in the stands concentrating on the game. But, as Mackay explains, "Carol Ann had other priorities. She was carrying on an animated conversation with the women seated next to her . . . Carol Ann was explaining that while we were in New York City, we had visited our daughter, Mimi, who had recently earned an advertising degree and moved there to crack the job market.

"What a coincidence! The mystery lady told Carol Ann that she happened to work for an advertising agency. She gave Carol Ann all sorts of tips about which firms were good places to work and which were sweatshops, who was hiring, who wasn't, who really calls the shots on the hires, what they were looking for in their applicants-in other words, pure 24-karat gold, the sort of inside information a job seeker would kill for.

"Did Mimi, this daughter of a tennis-loving family, like to play tennis? Did Bugsy Siegel like to shoot craps? Mimi was captain of her college tennis team. Bottom line: Not long afterward, Mimi was hired by the advertising agency.

"Hey, it can happen. That's why you keep networking, particularly when you can do two things at one time, which Carol Ann can do and I can't.

"If I were to generalize a bit, I would say that there are observable differences between the way men and women network.

"Men's networking is less 'friendship based' and more business oriented. We choose our social partners as much for business reasons as we do for personal reasons, and we have few reservations about inflicting them on our spouses.

"Women tend to be less overt in constructing their networks and they are inclined to rely more on personal compatibility rather than cold-blooded, neutral facts.

"When a working wife wants to entertain another working woman she'll tend to take her to lunch, sans spouses. The working man's idea would be to make it a foursome for dinner with all spouses on hand.

"Men tend to use sports as a networking tool. Women don't.

"Women are more apt to share personal information, particularly about their spouses. Men don't.

"When married women with children network, they talk about their children. At length. When married men with children network, they talk about their children rarely if at all.

"Women can be more subtle, more observant, and often more effective than men in their networking. What man could tell you what the couple they had to dinner the previous night were wearing, and what it said about them? What woman couldn't?

"Note the differences. Don't confuse them with weaknesses.

"The point is, there's no such thing as a 'best' style. Networking is a lifetime learning process. If you have a spouse or partner with a different style form yours, good for you. Open up your eyes and ears; you're bound to learn something.

"Vive la difference. Benefit from it."

It's not your age that matters. It's how your matter ages.